A little bit of pampering

A few weeks ago, John mentioned to me that I never seem happy anymore. 

That really hit me between the eyes.  And started a few weeks of soul-searching.

There are so many things that I should be happy about - my husband, my dog, my house, my job, my coworkers, my brother.  Everything with us seem to be going well.

But I was dwelling on the things that weren't going well.  My parents have been having marital trouble - and I'm very seriously considering breaking contact with my dad.  (Not gonna happen right now, but considering it).  I've developed social anxiety over the past year or so that hits me sometimes with the force of a two-by-four.  I just recently found out that I have PCOS, and without treatment (and even with treatment), there's a distinct possibility that I can never get pregnant.  The medication for that makes me exhausted and nauseous, and honestly neither John nor I think its working.  I've gained about 40 pounds in the past four years, and have been feeling overweight and ugly.

John told me that he wants me to do things that make me happy.  To take care of myself, so that I feel better.

So ... I am.

I am focusing on things that make me happy.  I got my hair cut - and highlighted.  I've never had color put into my hair before.  And I love it!  I bought new make-up and am experimenting with eye shadow.  I'm not quite sure what I think about it, but I'm having fun looking different.  I'm proud of myself for figuring out how I want to look, and putting in the time and effort to get there.  I'm proud of myself for figuring out that by putting  a pinch of mousse into my hair, I can prevent fly-aways.  I've started counting calories, and keeping an eye on what I eat - the only thing in the past few years that has worked for me in losing weight.  Tonight I'm going to a jewelry party - hosted by one of the ladies in my church - where I will spend some money buying myself some jewelry that I like.

I've considered and looked into finding a therapist for my social anxiety, although I'm not going to act on that until after January because of work issues.  I've got an appointment with my Ob/Gyn in two weeks, where I'm sure we'll have a serious talk about my medications and some decisions will be made.  And I've handled learning that my sister-in-law is pregnant by crying in the shower for 30 minutes before getting a hug from John, and us talking about it, and coming to the realization that God is in control.  He saw it fit that my brother and sister-in-law have a baby, and that John and I have to wait a bit longer.  I just need to trust His timing.  And now I'm ready to be happy for her, and to get excited about becoming an aunt.  (John, by the way, is beside himself with excitement!)

I'm forgiving myself for when I make a mistake.  For when the house isn't clean, or the laundry isn't done, or dinner isn't cooked.  I'm realizing that John and I are in a unique place in our lives - that really no one else near us is in this place we're in.  As such, it's okay that I don't have any close friends to spend time with and talk with.  That will come later as God wills it. 

I'm thankful for God blessing my with my job - this job has opened up so many doors and the possibilities spread before me are astounding. 

Yes, this is a self-centered post.  This serves more as a reminder to me to focus on the things that are worthwhile; to take care of myself, so that I am better able to take care of others.  And to remind myself that it's okay to make mistakes - every day is a chance to do better and start over. 

And it's also a bit of a commitment.  That I will lose weight - I want to be down to at least 140 pounds by my brother's wedding.  That I will take care of myself, and not feel guilty about spending a little bit of time or money on myself.  And that I will forgive myself when I don't live up to the expectations I build for myself.