Accepting Less than Ideal

I have this idea of myself in my head.  I'm always gracious, and kind, and thoughtful; an amazing cook who keeps a spotless house; a wonderful wife who is always there when her husband needs her; a working professional who always completes projects and fulfills responsibilities well and on time; a dedicated worker in the church, who is there whenever the church doors are open and constantly serving in the background; a friendly hostess who has a wide variety of friends who know they can always stop by for dinner, and I am glad to welcome them to my home.

In other words ... perfect.

And quite definitely not me.

John attends a Bible Study with other men from our church every Monday night.  They rotate which houses they meet in, and I generally welcome the nights when they meet in our home.

Yesterday I had an evening work meeting - after an already full day at work.  I got home late, threw a fit when John seemed hesitant to re-schedule friends coming over, and told him he'd have to fend for himself for dinner.  I then picked up the house briefly and spent the rest of the evening relaxing in front of Netflix while John went out (he did re-arrange the schedule so that the men would meet at someone else's house).

Ideally, I would have come home, made John something to eat for dinner, and welcomed guests into our home graciously.  Never mind that I was tired after working all day.

Whenever I do something that doesn't live up to my ideal picture of myself, I feel upset and discouraged - a failure.  Slowly, I'm coming to the realization that I don't have to be perfect; that I can't be perfect.  That there are more options than "failing" or "succeeding".

As I get to know who I truly am, not my idealized self, I can start planning and arranging life to build me up, not wear me down.

For instance, by looking at my schedule beforehand I could have recognized that I would be tired and ready to relax when I got home.  I could recommend that John go out to dinner with a classmate, or pick up something to eat at home while studying so that I wouldn't have to cook.  I could have requested that we swap times with another family in the Bible study last week, instead of last minute.

That would have given me the exact same results ... but instead of getting upset and creating tension in our home, the evening would have run smoothly.  No "failure" involved.